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February 2021 PURR-litical diaries of the decade:

Continued from Home page - This story originally published / refreshed on 14th February 2021

Flying the flag for all my furry friends

Some cats get launched into outer space. Some are left a fortune by little old ladies. And some cats have to wear a Union Jack bow tie at moments of national importance. You might think I look smart and handsome, but I felt humiliated. Oh, the cat's whiskers I most certainly am not! I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the day of Prince William's wedding to Kate Middleton.

'I'm going to make you an outfit, Larry!' cried Mrs Samantha. 'Don't worry darling, I am a dress designer.' I dreamt of a nice waistcoat, a top hat, maybe even a tailcoat! Instead, she ran up a bow tie made out of a paper napkin, and stuck it on with a bit of Sellotape. Oh, the shame.

I'm the new top cat

There I was, minding my own business at Battersea Cats' Home in 2011 when the summons was received — a five-bell alarm from Downing Street. Urgently needed! A top cat to deal with an infestation at the heart of government. At first, I thought they meant Nick Clegg and Chris Huhne, but no. It was even worse than that.

They were worried about real vermin, not just Lib Dem creepy crawlies. I unsheathed my claws, slipped inside my basket, jumped into the catmobile and headed off to meet my destiny. When my call came, I was ready.

In the lap of power

'I've been expecting you, Mr Bond.' Here I am, sitting on David Cameron's lap. A cosy scene. Some people said that prime minister David didn't really like me. That I was just a prop, to make him look human. To give him that common touch. To make him look kind and warm.

'What is that mangy creature doing in here again?' he once shouted during a Cobra meeting. But he wasn't talking about me — he was talking about Chris Grayling. David and I always got on fine.

You can't go out looking like that!

Like all cats I have poise and a natural sense of elegance, whereas Theresa May had neither. We had a lot of chats about it. 'Theresa, old girl,' I would tell her, 'you've got to stop going out looking like something I dragged in.' She promised she would try. Yet I turn my back for five minutes, and look what she would skip out the front door in — I mean, this isn't an outfit, it is a cry for help.

A blazer with a built-in life jacket? Who wears that? As you can see, I found it hard to conceal my disapproval. Top marks for the flea collar, though – or should that be necklace, as you humanoids say? Theresa needed something strong and stable to keep the pests at bay. That monster seemed to do the trick. For a while, at least.

I'm the big beast around here...

Hang about. Who is this big ginger tom cruising on my patch in June 2019? Prime Minister May told me to keep out of the way, but there was no way I was going to miss this show. The big guys always love me. Obama still sends me a chew every Christmas.

Someone told me The Beast was outside. Palmerston again! I investigate, but it turns out to be President Trump's £1.2 million armour-plated limousine.

We've both strayed

Here I am, helping Boris make important decisions. Already I have learned many things from him, chiefly that 'flip-flop' and 'soft pedal' are not fun games we can enjoy together, which is disappointing. But I like Boris because he feeds me kitty bits and holds me tight when we hide in the cupboard to escape from his girlfriend. 'I'm scared of her,' he whispers in my ear. I feel the same way.

'You were a stray before and you can be a stray again,' she shouted at me the other day. At least I think it was me.

Very strong on paw and order

Like all cats, I do my own thing. I take two bites of my lunch and walk away. I sharpen my claws where I damn well please.

Larry was once arrested for committing GBH on a pair of Theresa May's leopard-print shoes

But the only time I took it too far was when I was arrested by the police for committing GBH on a pair of Theresa May's leopard-print shoes. It's all right officer. I'll come quietly.

Space please, Mr Hancock!

This much I know. There should be a health warning against Health Secretaries. I heard that Andy Burnham was all right, but he always wanted to compare eyelashes with the government cats, to see whose were the longest.

Andrew Lansley? The name rings a bell. Jeremy Hunt was always good at hiding my medication in the salmon snacks, give him credit for that. But I don't know what to make of this Matt Hancock bloke. He's either crying or laughing hysterically or asking me over and over if I have had my jab yet. Has he been wormed? Something has happened to him.

Here's a taste of my southpaw!

Political life is one long sparring match, and it is no different for us cats. In 2012, I had a scrap with Freya, who belonged to George Osborne next door. Look at her land a left uppercut!

My arch enemy, however, is Palmerston, the mouser from the Foreign Office. Black cats are supposed to be good luck, but he has done nothing for me. Yet we can form a coalition against a common foe. Like in 2015, just before the general election. Here I am, snout to whiskers with a police sniffer dog called Bailey. I send him packing.

Looking for the mouse of Commons?

Alcohol units nil. Calories consumed this week 8,400 (v.g., although would love something different from chicken, liver and fish). Mice caught over the past ten years; 745. Mice that got away; 19,582. The statistics, as Rishi Sunak is always saying, speak for themselves. So no. I am not the best mouser in the business. That much is painfully clear. But I take my cue from my first boss, David Cameron.

'Hug a Hoodie, Larry' he once urged me. And his caring nature rubbed off on me. That's one reason I don't particularly want to Mug a Mousie. Look at them. They are actually quite cute. The other reason is that they are too fast for me.

August 2020 - A Politicat retirement without a hint of scandal!

Continued from Home page - This story originally published / refreshed on 8th August 2020

The official Twitter feed for Palmerston

Palmerston surrounded by photographic equipment as he bids his farewells - "Foreign Office cat Palmerston and chief mouser will be retiring after four years of service in Whitehall" Credit: AP:Associated Press

Thanks fur the memories: Foreign Office's chief mouser Palmerston 'retires' after 'enjoying working from home' during lockdown

- Palmerston has been the chief mouser at the Foreign Office for past four years
- Announced on his own @DiploMog Twitter feed that he has decided to retire
- Letter said he had enjoyed living in the country during lockdown and would stay

By James Tapsfield, Political Editor For Mailonline |Published: 7th August 2020 | Updated: 8th August 2020

The Foreign Office's chief mouser, Palmerston, is heading for retirement after four years stalking the corridors of power. The departmental cat, who has his own popular Twitter feed, is leaving to spend more time 'away from the limelight'. A letter sent to the Foreign Office's top mandarin, Sir Simon McDonald - who is himself standing down from his job - said Palmerston had enjoyed 'working from home' in the countryside during lockdown.

'I have found life away from the front line relaxed, quieter, and easier,' the letter on the @DiploMog Twitter feed read.

Palmerston, a rescue cat from Battersea Dogs and Cats Home, was brought to the Foreign Office in 2016, prompting a rivalry with Downing Street cat Larry.

'My 105,000 twitter followers show that even those with four legs and fur have an important part to play in the UK's global effort,' Palmerston's letter said. I have championed our work, built our relationships, and celebrated the diversity of our staff.'

Palmerston will not be completely retreating from public life, however, with the letter stating that he will 'always be an ambassador for the UK and the new Foreign, Commonwealth and Development office'. Sir McDonald replied to the letter on Twitter, stating that everyone at the Foreign office will 'miss him'. 'In 2016 Palmerston arrived from Battersea, mouser and social media phenomenon,' he said. 'After four-and-a-half happy years, he retires at end of August: he's enjoyed lockdown life in countryside so much, he's decided to stay.'

Foreign Office staff paid tribute to the outgoing mouser, with Jon Benjamin, director of the department's Diplomatic Academy, wishing him a 'very happy retirement'. 'He left us a slightly chewed dead mouse next to my desk in @UKDipAcademy once, and we were of course not very grateful,' he added. Caron Rohsler, British high commissioner to the Maldives, tweeted a goodbye message from her embassy's own diplomatic feline, Miska. It read: 'Congratulations on your exemplary service to British foreign affairs, & for fur-thering the cause of diversity in our noble institution. I'm sure an elevation to the pawrage cannot be far off.'

Did you Spot the Tom-Foolery?

Continued from Home page - This story originally published / refreshed 1st April 2019

Two big 'giveaways' - the 'mysterious' appearance of a cat flap and the 'Spokesman Lisa Loporf' one of many anagrams of April Fools

Larry's a Patriotic Puss now!

Continued from Home page - These stories originally published on various dates

After Palmerston's claim to top mousing, Larry has decided to defend his Britishness in the wake of Brexit!

He's obviously feline the benefits of post-Brexit Britain. Number 10 cat Larry was spotted with a new collar yesterday featuring a union flag pattern. The Downing Street mouse catcher was treated to the patriotic gift over the festive period – most likely a present from a civil servant. Source: Daily Mail

Larry has a new Prime Minister & Leader of the Opposition who are both Twits! (Sorry 'Tweeters')

Top - Leader of the Opposition Corbyn's Twitter Feed photo with El Gato and Prime Minister Johnson's Twitter feed photo with Larry - Bottom - not a cat, but a political rivalry as PM and LOTO showcase their cats on International Cat Day 2019 in the Daily Mail

Palmerston resides at no. 11

Palmerston, the Foreign Office cat, has proved to be Westminster's top mouser 

The current occupant of Number 10 has been cast as ineffective by a rival at the Foreign Office who is trying to prove he has a killer instinct and what it takes to be number one. However, this is not a tale of a power struggle between Theresa May and Boris Johnson but a feline proxy war which has allowed the Foreign Secretary to get one over on the Prime Minister. Mr Johnson looks certain to have secured Whitehall bragging rights after it was revealed Palmerston, the FCO’s resident mouser, has caught at least 27 mice since his arrival in Westminster in April 2016.

Palmerston’s prolific record is likely to heap further pressure on the performance of Larry, the Number 10 cat, who was pictured earlier this year playing with a mouse before allowing it to escape in a clear dereliction of his duties.

Palmerston was introduced to the Foreign Office a year ago Credit: Steve Back / Barcroft Images via the Telegraph

Documents released under Freedom of Information (FOI) laws show Palmerston, named after former foreign secretary and two-time prime minister Viscount Palmerston, caught almost 30 mice since he came from Battersea Dogs and Cats Home. But volunteers who look after the black-and-white cat claim that figure is "likely to be much higher". The FOI request also reveals that Palmerston is "usually" fed Whiskas, although much of his food is donated meaning he enjoys a variety of brands. The FCO said it was unable to provide details of the cost of Palmerston's care but added the bill was met voluntarily by staff. Read more here

Cat Fight in Downing Street - read all about it here (Daily Telegraph) and here (Daily Mail) - image courtesy & © of Steve Back

Downing Street Tails

The illustration (no credit given either in the Daily Telegraph Magazine or PressReader see link below) is too nice not to use so here it is and the second paragraph is also cat-friendly :

"And then there is that black door with '10' on it, which has framed me daily since I became ITN's political editor (thank goodness for the solace offered by Larry the cat).

Images and Telegraph Magazine Article available on PressReader - no source given for the illustration

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